Sean and Danielle Make History

Like many first time parents-to-be, Sean and Danielle Kruk were overjoyed when their doctor confirmed that a little one was on the way.

“We’re going to love our baby like no one has ever loved a child!” they said to each other. “We’re going to have the happiest family ever!”

They honestly believed that, so much so they were convinced that they were going to make history. The billions of parents who had come before them? They had done it all wrong and that’s why the world was so messed up. They were going to create a healthy world, a utopia really, by being the first parents ever to never yell at their child, and their child would be the first kid to never sass back. Anytime they asked him…or her to make up their toys, Little Liam or Little Sophie or would do so gleefully. When it came time to do homework, their son or daughter would recognize the importance of it and dive into their studies with full force. Their child would also never throw a fit in the middle of a store. They would never miss curfew. Nor would they come home with piercings in weird places or date anyone that would be cause for concern. In short, they’d be the perfect parents and their child would be just as wonderful.

You can imagine their surprise then when things didn’t go as planned. No matter how many times they told Liam (it was a boy) that education was the key to freedom, he still wouldn’t study. Regardless of how often they explained to him in their softest, sing-songy voice that having a tantrum was not the way to go about getting what you want, he still screamed – to the point where they had to give in and hand him whatever he wanted just to get him to be quiet. Their speeches about how they were a family and families help one another out didn’t seem to matter either. Liam wanted nothing to do with helping out around the house, so if they wanted his room to be clean then they were just going to have to do it themselves.

They didn’t give up hope, though. There was an adorable genius inside of their son, they were sure of it. They just had to be patient, indulge his many interests, and allow him to express his frustrations in his own way. Eventually he’d come around. Not today mind you. Today was a day for pulling flowers out of the neighbour’s flower bed.

“The Kruk brat is at it again,” Judy White said to her husband Scott as she watched Liam’s latest display of bad behaviour from her kitchen window. “Last week I caught him stealing one of our garden gnomes, today he’s destroying our flower bed.

“Hey Danielle!” she yelled out the window. “Could you tell your kid to stop doing that?”

“Sorry,” Danielle replied as she took Liam’s hand and tried to lead him back over to her lawn. “Liam, it’s nice of you to want to give me flowers, but those are Mr. and Mrs. White’s tulips. Good little boys don’t do that sort of thing and you’re a good boy, aren’t you?”

“Mrs. White is old and ugly,” Liam said in return.

“Well, I will give that family credit for one thing,” Judy said to Scott who remained seated at the kitchen table. They are now officially the most annoying family in the history of families.”