The Player

Hello there, pretty lady.

No, no…don’t you dare tell me that you’re not pretty, because you are. Everything about you is beautiful, from your soul to your out of control hair. Since when is out of control hair beautiful? Since you were born with it. You made it beautiful. Everything you do is beautiful. So you see, you are a pretty lady.

Unless you’re a dude; which would be good because it’s my fellow dudes I actually want to talk to. All you pretty ladies out there who are reading this…scamper along and busy yourself with the things that make you so pleasing to us guys; like getting a Brazilian wax.

Are they gone? Good. Okay boys, listen up. Are you still struggling to find the right woman? Can’t figure out how to make it work with the one you have? Don’t worry, I’m an expert on such matters. I’ve been playing the game since the age of fifteen. That’s thirty-five years if you’re the type who feels the need to keep track of such things.

I’ve dated lots of women in my time…tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, blonde hair ones, fake blonde hair ones. Do you know what each and every one of them have in common? They all live for our happiness.

When I need my shirts ironed for work I say, “Go iron my shirts woman!” and whomever I’m dating at the time will plug in the iron and go to town. Mind you, each and every one of my shirts have come back with a giant hole in them where the iron burned through. “Iron your own damn shirts!” they usually say to me afterwards, but I refuse to give up on them. It’s important for women to have a purpose in life, and what greater purpose could there be than taking care of their man? Sooner or later their little heads are bound to figure out how my iron works.

It’s also important for you to order for your lady when you go out to dinner. I haven’t met a woman yet who isn’t obsessed with her weight, so order her a salad. When she asks you why you ordered her a salad, say something along the lines of “The last thing I want is for you to become a big fat cow.” A skinny woman is a happy woman. Really, you’ll be doing her a favour.

What are my thoughts on cheating? I have two. First, the more women you are with, the more you can expand your bedroom repertoire. As soon as you try a new trick on her, she’ll know you’ve been sleeping around and will be grateful that you went to the trouble to keep your love life interesting. Secondly, as soon as she discovers you’ve been cheating on her, she’ll go out of her way to dress better, earn more money, cook better meals, clean more often around the house and say nicer things to you…anything to stop you from leaving her.

Speaking of saying nice things, you know that bit I said about her looking great even though she has out of control hair? Save that for when you’re in public. She wants her girlfriends to be jealous that she found a sweet talking guy while they didn’t, but you owe it to her to be honest with her in private. After all, you deserve a woman who makes you proud.

Trust me, these things have worked with every dame I’ve ever dated. I think that’s why they’ve all left after only a few weeks or months. Too much of a good thing isn’t good for anybody, you know what I’m saying?

Anyway, good luck with the dating scene. Let me know when the wedding is, because I expect an invite.

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