Freaks Are The Most Normal People Of All

Everyone in Hollywood thought for sure that the series Our Perfect Life would be cancelled once the truth came out about the cast. Martin Juno, the man who played the father on the show, was caught by one of the gossip magazines making out with Amber Deyton, the girl who played his fifteen year old daughter. She was a young looking for her age twenty-three in real life, but still. Everyone saw them as father and daughter. Then it came out that Helen Palmer, Martin’s wife on the show, spent time in a juvenile detention centre over a series of shoplifting incidents during her own teenage years. A few days later it was revealed that sixteen year old Dylan Lincoln, their television son, smoked more marijuana over the course of a day than some people go to the bathroom. Evidently, these people were not perfect. They were messed up.

Damage control went into overdrive and arrangements were made for them to do a sit down interview with Joan Mendelson. She was considered a softie by everyone in the business. The hardest question she had ever asked anyone in her twenty year career was whether or not they felt pistachio ice cream was overrated, and she had posed that to a well known maniacal dictator. If anyone could make the cast seem redeemable in the eyes of viewers, it was Joan.

The day of the interview came and all four of them sat down with her on the show’s set. They chose the living room because it looked like something straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting; completely non-threatening.

“Martin,” Joan began, “I see that you and Amber have chosen to sit next to one another. Why so close? After everything that has come out, why not sit further apart?”

“People aren’t stupid, Joan. They’ve seen the pictures of the two of us together. Separating ourselves by five feet won’t make them unsee them.”

“Besides,” Amber said cutting in, “we’re not ashamed. I’m an adult, he’s an adult, so why not let’s all be adults about this?”

“But many people see the two of you as father and daughter,” Joan reminded the two stars.

“That’s a make believe world the writers and producers created,” Helen, the fake matriarch of the family said. “No one in the real world doesn’t have at least one skeleton in their closet. People in the real world are just like us – flawed.”

“How so?” Joan then asked.

“For instance, I know that you keep six cats in your twelve hundred square foot New York City apartment. What’s up with that? I know that right now, across the world, thousands of men and women are committing adultery. I know that somewhere, someone just dinged another person’s car in a parking lot and will drive away without leaving a note on the other car’s windshield. While that’s happening, someone else is telling a customer that it will cost five thousand dollars to replace their roof when in all honesty he could do it for four thousand and still make a profit. I know that someone is likely sitting on their couch, watching this show in nothing but their underwear, and eating a box of macaroni and cheese straight out of the pan. The steam from the pot will cause them to have to blow their nose, which they will use a tissue for, but then a tiny little piece of snot will get caught somewhere in their nose. Instead of going and getting another tissue as they should, the lazy sod will just use his finger to pick it out of there. Everyone’s messed up in their own special way Joan. That’s what makes us human.”

Social media went crazy within seconds of Helen ending her speech. Everyone started confessing to every weird little thing they have ever done.

“Oh my God Helen, you’re right! I am eating Mac and Cheese straight out of the pan in my underwear!” read one tweet.

“Have the interview on in the background. Hello from me and my mistress!” read another.

“I knew I paid too much for my roof!” read a third.

Hundreds of people also posted pictures of their dinged up cars on Instagram.

The show still ended up getting cancelled, but only so it could make room for a new show: Our Imperfect Life. It starred the same cast, and each went on to win Emmys and critical praise for their honest portrayal of real life.

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