According to her doctor, a healthy weight for Nigella Upton is in the 125-140 pound range. If Dr. Ramirez is to further be believed, Nigella should also limit her alcohol intake to one glass of wine a day, vigorously exercise for sixty minutes three days a week, and get seven to eight hours of sleep each night.
According to Nigella, Dr. Ramirez can go to hell.
She appreciates what he’s trying to do: extend her life for as long as possible, but it’s not as if living a clean life will extend it by hundreds of years. At most we’re talking a decade or two, and if her senile and arthritic grandparents taught her anything it’s that living to a ripe old age isn’t any fun.
Do you know what is fun? Cupcakes. Specifically, chocolate peanut butter cupcakes with two inches of peppermint icing swirled on top and then garnished with sprinkles. Do you know what else is fun? Two of those cupcakes after consuming a porterhouse steak grilled to perfection and a baked potato loaded with sour cream and chives, washing it all down with a bottle of red wine, and then going back to the kitchen for a third cupcake long after what many people would consider a normal bedtime.
Nigella can’t go to bed at a decent hour even if she tried. There’s her pole dancing class that runs until ten p.m. Monday nights, her How to Add Bacon to Everything cooking class on Tuesdays, her Italian language lessons with the very sexy Alberto on Wednesdays, the standup comedy routine she likes to workshop at Open Mic Night on Thursdays, the long standing Girls Night Out on Fridays, with any luck a date on Saturday, and then all the television shows she missed Monday through Saturday to binge watch on Sunday.
Hey, Nigella just realized something. Pole dancing isn’t just a hot thing to know how to do, it also counts as exercise. Eat that Dr. Ramirez! Just don’t eat any of her bacon leftovers. You will live a short life if you go anywhere near them.
Nigella is more than okay with living a short life herself. In fact, if this crazy fun one of hers means dropping over dead from a heart attack at sixty-five rather than sitting around a nursing home waiting for God/the Universe/The Grim Reaper to end her suffering at ninety, she says “Bring it on!”.
Now, if you’ll excuse her, she only has fifteen minutes to get her 164 pound self to her cooking class. Tonight, she’s learning how to make bacon apple pie. Hey, sounds like there might be fruit in that. That ought to make Dr. Ramirez happy.