Maybe You Should See A Doctor About That

My parents taught me from a young age to come clean when you make a mistake.

“People will have a lot more respect for you if you admit what you did, apologize for it, and then tell them what you’re going to do to make sure it never happens again,” my Dad liked to say.

In theory, that sounds like very good advice, but I’m not really sure if I should run with it in this case.  You see, I’ve just rear ended someone.  It wasn’t a bad collision; more like a, if they still made bumpers out of steel instead of the plastic crap they use these days there wouldn’t have been any damage type of fender bender.   Only they don’t make bumpers out of steel anymore, so the person driving the car with the crumpled back fender called the cops.

Now, in addition to my parents’ advice, I’ve also heard that insurance companies don’t like it when you let your emotions get the best of you and you tell the cop right off the bat that it was all your fault.  That’s for him to figure out from whatever details you give him.  Um, I’m pretty sure he’ll figure out I’m to blame once he hears my side of the story.

A few hours ago, I was out walking my dog, right down this very same street.  There’s this Quick Lube place, right on the corner of Beech and Silver – maybe you’ve seen it? There’s also a car wash there, and at the very edge of the property is one of those giant vacuum cleaners you pay a dollar to use.  Right beside the vacuum cleaner is a garbage can, where people toss all the stuff from their car that they don’t want anymore.  I throw my dog’s poop in there as well.

I usually only see the kind of garbage you’d expect to come out of someone’s vehicle: beverage containers, fast food bags, chocolate bar wrappers, empty cigarette packages, et cetera.  But I didn’t see any of those things on my walk.  Today I saw a used package of Canesten.  I apologize if you’re a man and have no idea what Canesten is, and I apologize for having to be the one who tells you.  Canesten is a product women use for yeast infections.  If it makes you feel any better, women are just as grossed out by yeast infections as you.  They also make us super duper uncomfortable.  Imagine if someone dipped your testicles in poison ivy and then poured hot wax over them.  That’s pretty much what a yeast infection feels like to us.

Anyway, when I saw that empty package of Canesten in there I thought, “Why would someone have not just a box of Canesten in their car, but an empty box of Canesten?”  Then I thought, “Was the discomfort so bad  someone had to immediately take care of things in an area no one should be going near while in a car?”  Ick.  Were they driving while they did that, or were they a passenger?  If they were a passenger, was the driver male or female?  A female, although still grossed out by what her passenger was doing, might try to make light of the situation and say something along the lines of, “I feel your pain girlfriend.  I once almost ripped out a box during a Board of Directors meeting.”  A guy, well, he’d just wonder why she felt that was a perfectly safe thing to do while he was driving, after arguing countless times that  pleasuring him orally was not.

That empty package has been on my mind ever since, and it’s what I was thinking about when the car in front of me stopped to turn into a coffee shop’s parking lot.  I can’t tell the cop that, can I?  That I zoned out while thinking about yeast infections?  Shoot, here comes the cop now!

“So, who wants to tell me what happened here?”

“Oh my god, I had the craziest sneezing fit ever!” I said.  “It’s allergy season, you know and my sinuses just went completely bonkers.  I must have sneezed ten times in a row.  You can’t keep your eyes open through something like that, no matter how hard you try.”

Fingers crossed he just bought that.

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