Do You Have Pina Colada Mix On Hand?

There is a lie that all parents tell their children in order to make them feel better about the bullies at school: they bully you because they secretly hate themselves. Just keep being nice to them and they’ll eventually come around.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Bullies bully you because they can spot a weakling a mile away. Years from now, while you’re lamenting the fact that playing by the rules didn’t get you very far in life, they’ll still be bossing people around and counting their millions, maybe even billions, as they jet from one exotic location to the next.

At least that’s how things worked out for Ronald Gump, the biggest bully in the history of Jameson Preparatory School. He bullied a lot of his classmates out of their lunches and got them to do his homework. They elected him Class President, too, out of fear that it’d be a long ten months of wedgies, vandalized lockers, and false drug allegations if they didn’t.

Ronald went on to be just as big of a force of nature in the American business world. It’s not that he was particularly brilliant at running businesses – three of his had gone bankrupt, but he was good at strong arming clients and suppliers into giving him what he wanted. No one liked him. In fact, everyone hated him, but they didn’t know how to stop him, so they kept giving him what he wanted while dreaming of the day he got what was coming to him.

That day came while he was on a business trip to Toronto. He and his entourage had stopped in to a mid-level chain restaurant for dinner. He could have gone someplace fancy, but here’s the thing you need to know about rich people: they stay rich because they’re willing to cut corners on the things that don’t matter to them. Ronald loved fancy vacations – hence the private jet, but his palette wasn’t sophisticated enough to view caviar as being any better than the chicken and rib combo at Jack Astor’s. So it was a cramped booth for him and his three associates.

“Hi, I’m Darcy. I’ll be your server tonight!” their overly perky server said while writing her name in crayon on the throwaway paper table cloth. “Can I start you gentlemen off with drinks?”

One of Ronald’s associates asked for a glass of chardonnay, another requested a rye and Coke, while the third ordered a beer. That just left Ronald’s order.

“Yeah, I’ll have a Pina Colada sweetheart,” he said. Oh yes, that’s one other thing you need to know about Ronald: in addition to being a bully, he was also quite the misogynist. Oh, and one other thing: he had a thing for girly drinks.

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t serve Pina Coladas,” Darcy said, still sounding incredibly upbeat for someone who had to say ‘no’ to a customer.

“What do you mean, you don’t serve Pina Coladas?” a gruff Ronald asked.

“We just don’t get enough requests for them to make it worth our while to keep a bottle of mix on hand.”

“Is staying in business worth your while?” he asked in a condescending tone.

“Of course!” Darcy said.

“Is your country’s economic security worth your while?” he then asked.

“I’m not quite sure I follow,” Darcy said, smiling all the way as she had been taught to do during training.

“Of course you don’t, you’re just a waitress. Here’s how it works: either bring me a Pina Colada or I will construct a giant dome of plexiglass over the U.S. None of you will ever be allowed into my country ever again. That’s right, Disney Land, New York City, Los Angeles…they’ll all be off limits to you. Not only that, but I’ll make you pay for the dome. I’m just that powerful, darling.”

Darcy stood there for a moment contemplating what her incredibly rude and obnoxious guest had just said. Then she put him in his place.

“Sir, you do realize that if you put a dome up to keep Canadians out of America then there will be no way for anyone else to get in, or for Americans to get out? Wouldn’t your export industry then go down the toilet? Plus there’s the tourism industry to consider. I can’t imagine that the lack of fresh air and rain would be good for your eco system either. Are you sure I can’t get you something else to drink? Maybe a juice box or some milk in a sippy cup? Or are you ready to stop acting like a baby?”

Ronald demanded to speak to Darcy’s manager immediately and then he demanded for her to be fired. Darcy’s manager had other ideas.

“How about you put a one hundred dollar tip on the table for her and then leave? Seriously, we’re here to serve food, not to put up with your crap.”

“Gentlemen, let’s get out of this dump,” Ronald said to his associates before the following parting thought: “Mark my words, I will bring you to your knees!”

His three associates then followed Ronald out of the restaurant, but not before each leaving Darcy a one hundred dollar tip.


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