Losing Your Husband Is A Lot Worse Than Losing A DVD Player

I don’t mean to brag, but I happen to think I’m a pretty awesome guy. There are those who will disagree with that statement, of course, but those people are just pissed off because I robbed them blind. Now, before you go all judgemental on me, let me ask you this: should Rob Schneider feel guilty for having accepted that huge sum of money he was paid to star in those awful films of his? No. He saw an opportunity to make easy money and he took it. You would do the same if given a chance, and as far as I’m concerned that’s all that I’m doing. Taking advantage of the opportunities presented to me, even if those opportunities are just the chance to take something that doesn’t belong to me.

Still feeling superior? Okay, let me put it to you this way: years ago you decided that you wanted the type of job that you have today, so you did what you had to do to make it in your industry. You went to school and studied hard, you presented yourself well at the interview, and you continue to work hard to avoid getting fired. You have left nothing to chance. That job of yours means too much to you to have it taken away, so why then are you willing to risk losing your prized possessions?

If you don’t want me to steal loose change from your car, then lock up your car. If you don’t want to lose your identity to a scammer, then don’t give out personal information anytime a total stranger calls you on the phone. And if you don’t want to lose the valuable contents inside your house, then perhaps don’t put out an ad advertising the fact that your loved one has just died and that you won’t be home Tuesday through Thursday on account of you needing to be front and centre for the visitation and funeral.

I love it when someone dies. People are gone for hours, and if they have a good relationship with their neighbours, they’ll be over at the funeral home, too. That gives me loads of time to slip in, steal whatever I think is worth something, and then get out of there before anyone gets home. Even if you live in the poor part of town I will at the very least show up at the funeral just so I can get a free meal at the luncheon that follows.

Not too many people have the guts to go after what they want in life, but I do. And that reason alone, I think anyway, is what makes me a pretty awesome guy.

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