The Ship That Took Six Years To Set Sail

There have been a lot of game changers throughout history.  The discovery of fire, the invention of the wheel, the printing press, indoor heating and plumbing, electricity, the internet, modern medicine…there are probably other things you could add to the list.  But the one that really got everyone excited was what shall be referred to henceforth as THE KISS.

This wasn’t one of those obnoxious air-kisses you see celebrities exchange, or one of those chaste parent-child kisses.  This was THE KISS that fans of the television show Putnam had been waiting six seasons to see.  For those of you unfamiliar with the show (although how could you be?  It brings in a gazillion viewers each week), Putnam is about a rough around the edges private investigator who solves cases that shouldn’t be solvable.  The police both admire and resent his talents because someone as messed up as this guy shouldn’t be able to hold it together long enough to unravel the most complicated mysteries.  But he does, troubled background and messed up love life be damned!  He doesn’t do it on his own, though.  He relies on his trusted personal assistant, Terry Brownstone, to keep his life in order and for the occasional input on cases.  She’s the right person for the job, too because she wears cardigans and is super uptight; the perfect ying to his yang.

There shouldn’t have been sexual tension between these two vastly different people but there was, and shippers had been waiting since the first episode for Putnam to wake up and realize that those tarts he had been running around with were all wrong for him.  Terry was the perfect woman and the sooner he understood that, the better off he’d be.  On last night’s episode, he finally made their dreams come true.

This week’s case was particularly difficult to solve, but with Terry’s help he did and he hugged her as a way of saying thanks.  That’s when he realized that holding this woman was the best feeling ever, that having her for a partner made him the luckiest man on earth, and that her decision to shower with a simple bar of Ivory soap made her smell way better than the tarts who felt the need to douse themselves in perfume.  It wasn’t just a kiss these two shared, it was THE KISS they both knew would be their last first kiss ever.

Social media exploded.  #Putterforever!, became the number one trend on Twitter.  Their most memorable “Will they or won’t they?” scenes were edited together and posted on YouTube.  Entertainment Tonight, TMZ, and Extra all lead off their shows with The KISS.  What would this mean for their relationship moving forward?  Will there be a wedding episode?  How long before they make beautiful babies?  It was all discussed, at length.

What people weren’t discussing was their own relationships.  It was much easier to live vicariously through Putnam and Terry than it was to address the soul crushing lack of passion in their real lives.  So as Putnam and Terry’s ship set sail in the direction of more love and romance, theirs would continue to sink towards a slow and painful death.

They will be heartbroken, of course, when that day arrives, but they will rebound because at this very moment there is a group of Hollywood writers working on a new steamy love story for television, one that will outdo Putnam and Terry’s.  It’s due to hit the airwaves two seasons from now, right around the time the divorce papers get delivered to television viewers’ mailboxes.

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