I want you to take a moment and look around your office. Somewhere up on the ceiling is an air vent, one that’s made up of a number of tiny little squares. Why is that air vent there? The obvious answer, of course, is to circulate air and to let you know what your coworkers just warmed up in the microwave. The real reason for that vent, though couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s there so I can spy on you.
You can’t see them, but in that air vent are a little camera and microphone. I’ve put one in every office. Don’t worry, I’ve stayed out of the washrooms, but as far as the people in management are concerned, your office is fair game. They pay you good money, or they like to tell themselves that anyway, to do a job and they want to make sure they’re getting their money’s worth. Have you’ve been putting in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay? How about we review some of my findings and go from there?
I’ve watched you and your fellow employees pick your noses, give people the finger when their backs were turned, and doodle your way through meetings. You’re all terrible artists, by the way. I’ve also seen you rapidly wolf down snacks while your office mate was in the washroom, look up porn online, and sit and twirl your hair as though you were auditioning for the dumb blonde role in a straight to video release. I’ve also heard you say the most bizarre things. Here are some of my favourites:
“I love that restaurant! Japanese food is my favourite!”…”Um, Steve, it’s an Italian restaurant.”
“That song always reminds me of pole dancing.”
“So my Mom said, ‘Quiet! You’ll wake the baby!’, totally forgetting that the baby is deaf.”
“You know my motto: ‘If you’ve seen one fucking mountain, you’ve seen them all.'”
“Seriously, is there anyone more useless than Doreen?! Oh, hey Doreen. I was just telling everyone what a big help you were on the project. ”
“I can see why Hitler was voted Time’s Man of the Year.”
“I get eating a pound of bacon all at once, but downing a gallon of milk? Happy Welcome to Becoming Lactose Intolerant Day.”
Maybe now you’ll understand why I win Employee of the Month so often. I’m the only one who knows enough not to goof off at work. Every once and awhile management will throw out a red herring and give it to someone else so you don’t get suspicious, but really, you all suck as employees.
Why am I telling you this now? Well, what management doesn’t know is I also installed cameras and microphones in their offices and guess what? They’ve secretly put the company up for sale! In a few months we’ll all be out of work. You may want to use this time to look for another job, or at the very least start using tissues to clean out your noses.
Creepy I.T. Guy