The Devil Calls It A Career

There comes a point in every working person’s life when retirement starts to look appealing.  After awhile, one can’t help but to get sick of the bullshit, to grow weary from the long hours, and to want a little ‘me’ time.  You’re bound to question your place in the world, too.  Is there more to life than this?  Have I made the world a better place?  How will I be remembered?

The Devil isn’t any different.  He’s been asking himself those very same questions for years and he doesn’t like the answers.  Sure, he wields a lot of power, but you can only make people sin so many times before it starts to get old.  Yes, lots of people worship him as well, or they think they do.  What they really worship are the things they get in return for pledging allegiance to him.  Not one of his followers has ever taken the time to get to know the real him; what makes him tick, his hopes and dreams, or even if he likes curry.  Plus the people he has attracted over the years!  God gets to hang out with saints, philanthropists, and that sweet lady who wrote those Little House on the Prairie books.  But the Devil – it’s all dictators, rapists, thieves, pedophiles, and murderers.  It’s like they say, though: “If you want to know what your future looks like, take a look at your friends.”

This morning, the Devil said, “No thanks,” in return and sent word to God that he wanted a meeting.

“Hey Lucifer, how’s it going?” God asked when his arch nemesis walked into his office.

“I’m handing in my resignation, Big Guy.  I’m done.”

“But…Lucifer…I thought you enjoyed being the Prince of Darkness?”

“I did and I thank you for the opportunity.  I just think it’s time I moved on to the next chapter of my life.”

“Which is…?” God then asked.

“I don’t know, maybe bring world peace about instead of adding to its destruction.  Or open an interpretative dance studio.  I haven’t really decided.”

“Come again?”

“Here’s my idea: you know how the angels are always singing your praises?  Wouldn’t it be cool if they threw some funky dance moves into the mix?  To shake things up, if nothing else?’

“Okay.  Are you sure this is what you want?  Hell won’t be the same without you.”

“There are thousands of investment bankers who could take my place in a heartbeat and do just as good of a job, if not better.  I’m sure you’ll fill my position in no time.  Ciao, God.”

Only God never did.  He looked at the numbers and came to the conclusion that not having a devil would be a lot cheaper than having one, so he eliminated not only the position, but his entire section of the Kingdom as well.  As for all of those souls that were languishing in Hell?  What kind of god would God be if he held a grudge?  So he forgave them and welcomed them into Heaven.

Meanwhile, back on earth, anytime someone thought of doing something evil, they immediately then felt the need to enrol in an interpretative dance class instead and everyone lived happily ever after.


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