Your Invitation’s In The Mail

When Abe Harding handed in his resignation, his coworkers at the marketing firm of Errol and Thomas said the usual things that polite coworkers are supposed to say to a colleague: “All the best, Abe!” and “Where’s your new job?” and “Had enough of us, have you?”

It was Morgan in Accounts Receivables who asked the most important question of all: “How does Friday night at the Clarence Hotel sound for the going away party?”

Everyone agreed that would be the perfect day and place for Abe’s going away party; well, everyone except for Abe.  No one had any idea whether or not that worked for him because no one bothered to invite him.  That’s how much they hated the guy.  Why they hated him depended upon whom you asked, but they all were all looking forward to saying goodbye to him in their own way that night.

“Thank you all for coming,” said Greg, the sales rep who had the misfortune of sitting next to Abe in the sales pit. “The buffet is open, as is the floor.  Don’t miss out on the shrimp or the chance to come up here to the podium and share what you’ll miss the least about working with Abe.  If it helps, I’ll start.  Did you know that Abe was best friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger?  He wasn’t really, but he passed him in Times Square ten years ago and liked to tell that story at least ten times a year.  Anyone else?”

“Yeah, I’ll come up,” said Lorraine, the Sales Assistant.  “This one time, he promised to buy me lunch as a way of thanking me for fixing the never ending mistakes in his proposals.  I asked for chicken wings and technically that’s what I got; only they were day old chicken wings.  I could tell by the way they had congealed.  He had brought me leftovers!”

Lorraine’s anecdote was followed by an unpleasant tale from Morgan: “I had to send all of his clients to collection.”  His was followed by a nightmarish one from Karen in Graphics: “I know what’s it like to have Abe Harding’s cold, clammy hands on my shoulders, on my thighs, and on my knees.  I shudder just thinking of that creep.”

Before the night was through, all of Abe’s now former coworkers had released all of the pent up frustration they had been feeling over the years and were ready to return to work Monday morning, hopeful that his replacement wouldn’t be anything like him.

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