When one quarter of Australia’s population dropped dead over the course of a week from heat stroke, the rest of the world said, “Ohhh, how sad!”, and then they hopped into their SUV’s and took their kids to their play dates.
When half of India was left permanently submerged under water following a monsoon, everyone else in the world said, “Wow, that’s messed up!” and then threw their water bottles into the nearest body of water in anger.
When a two year drought lead Germany’s Black Forest to go up in flames, everyone else in the world said, “Karma’s a bitch, baby!” because to this day the rest of the world still holds a grudge against Germany for what the Nazis did to the Jews.
Scientists had been ringing the alarm bells about global warming for decades, but even these three natural disasters weren’t enough to get people to listen. That didn’t occur until something happened to the United States of America.
One day, the Disney Corporation issued a press release informing America that it was packing up shop and moving its headquarters to Antarctica. Theme parks, the movie studio, its animators…they were all going.
“Antarctica!” people shouted. “The land of solid ice and perpetual inhumane wind chill factors?”
But that was the old Antarctica people were thinking of; the one that existed before climate change came to it and melted all of the ice. The new Antarctica is what the southern United States used to be like before California and Arizona were destroyed by earthquakes and before all the old people moved to Florida and destroyed its ozone layer with the noxious ointments for their aches and pains.
It’s beautiful here, Disney reassured everyone. Plus the lines at our new theme parks are way shorter!
When America lost Disney, that’s when they knew it was time to get serious about its environmental policies. Suddenly, it found a way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by a whopping 50%. As for its garbage problem? What garbage?! Everyone learned to reduce, reuse and recycle.
Where America leads, the rest of the world follows because let’s be honest, that’s what an inferiority complex dictates. Soon, every nation on earth was back to being pristine. And within a decade, Disney was back on American soil, where it belongs, and all was right in the world again.