I don’t know who you are, or if you even exist, but I like to think that you do, and that this message in a bottle I tossed into Lake Ontario has reached you and you’ll come rescue me.
Right now, I’m in an abandoned shopping mall in St. Catherines, Ontario called The Pen Centre. I shouldn’t be hard to spot seeing as how I’m the last man on earth. Unless, of course, you are a man; in which case it’s just you and me buddy! To be honest, though, I’m hoping that you are a woman. Someone has to repopulate the earth and it won’t work if we’re both dudes. So please tell me that you’re a Jessica, a Leah, an Amber, or any other name that would serve the world far better than Ben, Jack, or Paul ever could. I’m Robert, by the way.
Were you as surprised as I was about what finally did in the human race? All those years we spent listening to dire warnings from environmentalists and nuclear protestors, only to be wiped out in the end by too much political correctness.
I guess our first mistake was when we stopped criticizing anyone of a different race, religion, gender or sexual orientation from our own. We were so busy worrying about being labeled a racist, a bigot, a sexist or a homophobe that we looked the other way any time we saw someone leave a burning candle unattended, text and drive, or walk along railway tracks with music blasting through their ear pieces. It stood to reason that the death toll would rise due to an increase in fires, car accidents, and people being squished by VIA trains travelling the Windsor to Quebec corridor. That was a particularly bad route for some reason.
Then we got hung up on whether or not it would be rude to express our concerns over someone’s weight issue. It wasn’t a beauty thing; the right amount of political correctness taught us that a superficial thing such as that was silly. No one wanted to be accused of fat shaming, that was all. So if someone consumed too many calories, avoided regular exercise, or indulged in processed, fatty, sugary, or salty food we let it slide. What was important was that they felt good about themselves; which they did – until they died prematurely from cancer, heart disease, or diabetes.
Then there were all of those kids who received trophies and ribbons just for showing up. When they learned the hard way that just showing up for work on time wasn’t enough to get them promoted they all got into a snit and quit, sending the world’s economy into a tailspin.
Plus don’t get me started on all of those naïve fools who thought that backpacking through countries in which we were at war would be a peaceful way to foster cross-cultural understanding. All they came to understand was how painful it was to be killed by a firing squad.
Anyway, if you want to do your part to repopulate the earth, you’ll find me hanging out either in the food court area or at the video game store that’s on the same level. If it turns out that you are a dude, or a lady who’s way too old for making babies, I’m still pretty cool to hang out with, and I’m sure you are, too. Then again, at this point, neither one of us can afford to be picky, now can we?