Girlfriend, You Need To Chill

A few years ago, Jennifer Billingsly considered Adele (yes, that Adele) to be her best friend in the whole world.  Not that Jennifer could ring her up and go, “Hey Adele, feel like hanging out at the mall?” to which Adele would say, “Sorry love, my manager’s making me write new songs”, which would then lead Jennifer to reply “Oh my God, managers are the worst.  Would you believe mine wants me to empty out all the bins in the bulk food section tomorrow and clean them out?”, leading Adele to then reply “Yeah, managers are such assholes.  Maybe I can pop around to your place later for a drink?”, and Jennifer would answer “For sure, girlfriend.  I’ll pour us doubles.  Love you bestie!”, which would then be followed by a “Love you, too chickey-poo!” from Adele.

No, they were more like “You got dumped, too?!  I feel your pain in each and every song,” friends.  In a total, they have never met, will never meet, nor be in the same income tax bracket sort of way.

But the Jennifer of four years ago is not who Jennifer is today.  In 2011 Jennifer felt absolutely gutted when she got dumped by Jeremy, her boyfriend of two years.  She couldn’t believe it at the time.  She had invested so much into their relationship that she had even gone so far as to give them one of those obnoxious, blended names that celebrities like to give themselves: Jerefer, in her case.  Sure, it didn’t have the same ring to it as Bennifer or Bragelina, but as far as she was concerned Jerefer were destined to be together forever.  Jeremy had other plans, though so it was heartbreak for Jennifer; a heartbreak that could only be soothed by Adele’s mega-million selling album 21.

Those songs of romantic devastation saved Jennifer.  Every tear she cried while listening to 21 helped to wash away her pain.  Every crack she heard in Adele’s voice was like the cracks in her broken heart.  Every depressing video of every depressing single showed her that she wasn’t alone in her grief.  Adele got her, just as a best friend should.

But then one day things changed.  Jennifer met someone new; someone better.  She got a promotion at work; one that would her spare her the indignity of cleaning out bulk food bins.  And she found herself in a position to buy a house where she and her new man could raise their new son.  You know, like what happened to Adele.

Which is why Jennifer can’t figure what the deal is with Adele’s new song, Hello.  Adele has everything a singer/songwriter could ever want: the career, the man, the baby…so why so glum, chum?  That’s what Jennifer wants to know.  Why is the woman still singing songs about misery?  Shouldn’t she be happy at this point and singing about happy things?  Sing a song about strawberry ice cream or something, woman.  Seriously, lighten up.  Thank your lucky stars that you’re not still with that jerk who inspired 21 and move on already.

If the rest of the album 25 is anything like Hello, then Jennifer wants no part of it.  She’s done with the drama, and with that Debbie Downer who’s all over the radio again.  She’s chosen to be happy.


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