You would think that being the Supreme Being of the whole universe would be a cool gig. Dream up who you want in it, how you want the place to look when you’re finished and then BANG! Sit back and watch everyone worship at your feet. Sadly, it’s not like that at all. Just ask God. He’ll tell you, it’s hell. Whether you consider that last sentence to be a funny play on words or not depends on whether you find the following story to be funny or sad.
It all started with an apple. Adam and Eve just had to have that apple. It wasn’t even one of those expensive Honey Crisp apples either. It was just a plain, run of the mill McIntosh apple. Adam and Eve had everything – everything! – they could possibly need, but it still wasn’t good enough. They had to have more.
Things snowballed from there. Wars were started in God’s name because people had to have more. Certain segments of society were excluded from the church because those in control greedily had to have more power. People couldn’t even follow the Ten Commandments. It’s not as if God asked anyone to follow One Hundred Commandments or One Thousand Commandments, or even a strict and oppressive vegan diet. All they had to do was mind their P’s and Q’s on ten simple commandments.
That’s why God stopped at Earth. Imagine how screwed up the universe would be if he had gotten around to developing Mars, Saturn, or Jupiter?
God has been putting up with this nonsense for millions of years and today wasn’t any better for him. Ten million people prayed for him to cure a sick loved one. Fifty million begged for a job. Five billion pleaded for more money, and just as many wanted some sort of direction in life. All of those people ended up sorely disappointed, though, because God didn’t have time to answer any of those requests today. He had to face a much bigger issue: who should win the championship game between the Cornwall Cavaliers and the Bristol Bombers.
It was a tough call at first. Fans and players from both sides made equally heartfelt pleas. Each team also played well this season. Plus the cities that each team represented could have used a lift me up.
“Oh my God!” God exclaimed five minutes before game time, completely unaware that he had just referred to himself in the third person. “It’s been clear as day right from the start! A good chunk of Cavalier fans have promised to change their ways if I come through for them and help their team win. They’re going to give up drinking, stop committing crimes, and put in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Well, you know what Cavalier fans? You should be doing that stuff anyway. Quit asking for more. I’m tired of this B.S.!”
Later that night, the Bristol Bombers won the game 2-1, while ten million people mourned the loss of a loved one, five million people spent another day on the unemployment line, five billion people were left wondering about where they’d get the money to pay their bills, and just as many others wore out the soles of their shoes as they continued to wonder around lost.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for God.