Everyone knows that Meryl Streep can speak convincingly in any accent and that she can burst into tears in an instant if that’s what the acting role requires. That’s the thing, though; everyone is well versed in Meryl’s talents, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when she does it. I mean, at this point, she probably breaks into a Chinese accent while debating fabric swatches with her husband. Yet every time she stars in a movie, she ends up getting nominated for every award out there, and she often wins. Which is why I wish the little glory hog would retire already.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a B-List actress such as myself to get nominated for an Oscar? I pulled it off, however, and for a comedic role, no less! That’s how hard I pushed myself to nail my part in It Could Happen, the story of an unattractive middle-age comic book store clerk who finds love with a former super model turned human rights lawyer. I played the human rights lawyer.
Here’s why I deserved to win for my role more than Meryl deserved to win for her performance. I’ve had body image issues my whole life, and yet I convinced everyone in the audience that I saw myself as smoking hot. I also conned them into believing that I cared about what happened to the children of Sierra Leone when in reality I don’t even know where that is on a map. Not only that, but I also fooled everyone into thinking that I totally lusted after Wes Malden – the smelliest, hairiest, sweatiest actor on the planet. Anyone can act all sad when they’ve been told that their entire family has been killed in a car accident (Meryl’s character), but not everyone can stick their tongue down the throat of Wes Malden and make it look sexy.
But do you know why I really deserved to win? Because, after they read all of the names of the nominees, and after they showed us all sitting there waiting to find out who won, and after they announced that Meryl had won yet again, I acted like I was genuinely happy for her. You could tell by Julia Roberts’ face that she was pissed off she lost, and it was obvious that Amy Adams was heart broken. As for Helena Bonham Carter, well, she had that crazy hair of hers drooping down in front of her face so who knows what she was thinking. That just left Dame Olive Swattridge, and she died back in January so she wasn’t there. But I was there, and I rocked that fake ‘Oh, I’m so glad the best person won! Way to go Meryl!’ look.
Afterwards, at the post Oscar parties, when all the reporters asked if I was upset that I didn’t win, I made sure to tell them in my most sincere voice, “Are you kidding?! It was an honour just to have been nominated! And to have been included in such fine company…oh my gosh! This has been the best night of my life!”
Top that Meryl Streep. I dare you.