Women are such huge liars. Men probably are as well, but Missy Dunsmore doesn’t spend as much time around them as she does other women so she can’t really say for sure.
Women lie about all sorts of things, but for now we’ll focus on one of the biggest lies out there: showers. Wedding showers, baby showers…women all pretend that they enjoy going to such gatherings when in reality they’d much rather be home, in their jammies, watching Scandal. Still, they go, sort of as a down payment for the future showers that will be given in their honour, or as payback for the ones already thrown. Once they get there, the lies continue. They will all claim that they hate the silly games they have to play at these things, but then they will fight each other tooth and nail for the glory of perhaps winning a scented candle that, if they were capable of being honest with themselves – which they aren’t, drives their sinuses insane. Once the presents start being opened they will coo “ooooh!” and “ahhhh!” over pizza stones, brandy glasses, onesies, and other stuff that will never be used.
The most ridiculous shower Missy ever attended was for a co-worker known for her fondness of stealing married men. Five years ago, she finally convinced one to leave his wife for her. Everyone at the office felt that giving her a shower would be akin to saying that adultery was okay, but they all went anyway because in addition to being a home wrecker, this woman was also incredibly vindictive. Better to give her a set of steak knives than be stabbed in the back by one.
No one has ever thrown Missy a shower. There hasn’t been a reason to because Missy is the childless spinster every woman fears becoming. She’s lost track of all the showers she’s been to, all the boring wedding and birthing stories she’s endured, and all of the times she has pretended not to be bitter that her day never came. However, she’s pretty sure she’ll never be invited to one again, not after doing what she did this afternoon at Jillian Leighton’s baby shower.
“Excuse me, everyone! May I have your attention please? I have an announcement to make,” Missy said just as the guests started to help themselves to a slice of cake. “I’ve worked with a number of you for many years and it’s just occurred to me that I have spent hundreds of dollars, maybe even close to a thousand dollars on shower gifts for you all. Was I invited to any of your weddings? No. Have I ever been invited to your homes to meet the baby? No. I haven’t received so much as a birthday card from any of you. Well guess what? It’s payback time.
“I’m getting a puppy in a month and a half, and you people are going to throw me a shower. They need vaccinations, food, toys, and the occasional stay at a kennel. By the time I have it trained, I’ll probably need new shoes, flooring and furniture. So I expect stuff. Nice stuff. Not that cheap crap you get at Dollar Universe. You work it out among yourselves who gets to host. In the meantime, I’m going home to bed. I suspect that this pup will have me up lots in the middle of the night to go potty, so I need to get as much sleep now as I can.”
Oh no she didn’t! Oh yes, she did!
Two weeks later, Missy’s co-workers threw her a puppy shower and they all pretended that they were happy to be there, even though they were secretly appalled. Missy didn’t care. She scored big time, and so did Fifi, her new puppy.