More War Please!

What’s the typical day at the office like for you?  Let me guess.  You come in around nine, turn on your computer, and then while that warms up you go to the kitchen to pour yourself a cup of coffee or fill up your water bottle.  Before heading back to your cubicle, you engage in a bit of water cooler gossip and check the staff bulletin board to see if there’s a potluck coming up.  The rest of the day is filled with time sucking meetings, phone calls, e-mails, dull projects and glancing at the retirement clock you have set up at the bottom of your computer screen every thirty minutes.

What’s my average day like?  For the most part, I spend it trying to avoid sniper bullets.  When I’m not doing that I try to prevent myself from being arrested, kidnapped, beheaded or blown to bits.  Granted, I do have slow days just like everybody else.  Those are the days when all I have to do is cover earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis.  The fun never ends when your a cameraman for a major network news organization.

Actually, it does comes to an end eventually.  About every six months or so, I have what my producers back in New York call a “Chad Moment”.  Chad’s my nickname for the pretty boy news anchors with whom I get stuck covering international conflicts.  Like I said, they’re pretty and ‘pretty’ often translates into ‘incredibly stupid’.  They inevitably do something stupid out in the field that nearly gets us killed, and I end up losing my shit on them.  That’s when I’m brought back to the States for a so-called easy assignment, one that they figure will prevent me from going totally P.T.S.D. crazy.

This time they’ve stuck me with a Dick, which is code word for ‘not handsome enough to be an anchor, but good looking enough to interview a movie star’.  He’s still a Dick to work with, though.

This afternoon we’re filming a sit down interview with the king of Hollywood – Malcolm Duncan.  Or is it Duncan Malcolm?  I don’t know, they’re all the same: arrogant, demanding, and perpetually walking around with their head up their arse.

This afternoon was really supposed to be this morning, but Malcolm Duncan/Duncan Malcolm had to have an emergency eyebrow wax and facial first, so we’re running behind.  After checking has hair one more time, Malcolm Duncan/Duncan Malcolm is ready to talk about his new film…his best work ever and so much better than the last one he made!  Funny, I remember him saying that his last film was his best one ever.  Anyway, he’s ready to go, so Dick asks his first question.

“Recently, you were arrested for the fifth time for suspicion of driving while under the influence.  What do you have to say to all of the people who look to you to be a positive role model for today’s youth?”

“Screw you!”

“‘Screw you’ as in screw me, or ‘screw you’ as in all the people who look to you to be a positive role model?”

No one caught Malcolm Duncan/Duncan Malcolm’s response.  As soon as the question was asked he knocked over the chair he was sitting in and stormed out of the room, thus bringing the interview to an abrupt end.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I think I prefer outrunning terrorists to hanging out with celebrities.


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