I Love You, But Fuck Off

“I love you, but fuck off.”

Wanda O’Donnell would never say anything as horrible as that to her children, Ariana and Liam.  For starters, she knows that if she ever did, they’d grow up and write some sort of Mommy Dearest memoir of their own.  Or they’d put her in the worst retirement home possible.  Maybe they’d just leave her right where she is without so much as a “Help!  I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” lifeline to call.  Long before that ever happened, though, Nancy Grace would be all over her.  She’d devote a solid three weeks worth of her shows to the topic of Wanda’s bad parenting.

“You are the worst mother ever!” Nancy Grace would bellow in that way only Nancy Grace can bellow.  “What kind of mother talks to her sweet babies that way?  A devil mother!  They may not be physically dead, but you have killed them just the same.  You have murdered their precious and innocent spirits.  There’s a special place in Hell for people like you.  No wait, Hell’s too good for you.”

So Wanda O’Donnell doesn’t say things like, “I love you, but fuck off” to her children.  She’s had to bite her tongue a few times, mind you.  Not because she’s the worst mother ever but because….well, as soon as Wanda gets home from work it’s “Mom!  Come play with me!” and “Mom!  I need help with my homework!” and “Mom!  Want to see me dance?”

Wanda knows that she should cherish these moments because in a few years Ariana and Liam will be teenagers and will barely acknowledge her existence.  Sometimes, however, all she wants is half an hour to herself, even if all she gets to do is watch Jeopardy.  Yes, Wanda realizes that her kids are more important than a television game show, but you can learn some valuable things from watching Jeopardy.  For instance, what if Alex Trebek wanted to know the date of the Battle of Hastings.  Would you know to say, “What was October 14, 1066?”

“So what if I didn’t know that?” you may now be saying.  Well, Wanda will tell you exactly what.  Let’s say she’s at a dinner party with her boss and he randomly starts talking about historic wars.  It could happen, people talk about random stuff all the time.  How else are you going to move a dinner party along?  Now let’s say her boss then threw out the very same Battle of Hastings question as Alex Trebek.  Wanda would be able to impress her boss; that is, if she ever got to watch Jeopardy.

But Wanda doesn’t get to watch Jeopardy, nor does she get to say things like, “I love you, but fuck off.

Parenting is the toughest job in the world.


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