The first inappropriate workplace e-mail that Trevor sent was to the office receptionist. It read:
Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of a cow? The way you chomp away on your gum…it’s as if your parents should have called you Bessie instead of Louise.
The next inappropriate workplace e-mail went to one of the guy’s in the Fraud department and it read:
The thing you nuke in the microwave everyday at lunch – did it actually have the word ‘puke’ listed as an ingredient? Because that’s what it smells like: puke.
The one after that went to a lady in the Claims division.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
Trevor Norquist had no idea if the lady from Claims sprinkled when she tinkled, but she did strike him as one of those germaphobic freaks who like to squat over the toilet seat when they pee, unaware that by doing so they were the ones spraying their pee germs everywhere. He just sent it because it would imply that the e-mail had to have come from a female colleague and not a male. The e-mail account which he sent it helped to hide his identity as well: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Trevor would be fired, of course, if anyone at Rainy Day Insurance ever found out that he was the one sending those e-mails. That’s why he hacked into the computer of an old neighbour of his to set up the account. That’s why he also joined in a conversation his coworkers were having about the bizarre e-mails they had been receiving lately.
“Oh my God, you got one, too?” he said.
“Yes, aren’t they awful?” the lady from Claims asked. “What did yours say?”
“Well, I’m a bit embarrassed to tell you,” Trevor replied.
“It can’t be worse than someone calling you a cow,” Louise reassured him.
“Okay then, it said, ‘That horrible gravy mix…I mean, hair colouring that you pour on your head every two months isn’t fooling anyone’.” Trevor was pretty sure that everyone already knew he dyed his air, but feigning ignorance added to his charade.
For months and months, Trevor would send off a nasty e-mail anytime one of his colleagues annoyed him. Then one day, the office burned down. Being an insurance company, everyone figured that someone else had put a policy in place for the company, only no one ever had. Unable to afford the cost of a rebuild, the company laid everyone off. Before leaving on that final day, Trevor sent everyone one last e-mail, this time from his company account. It read as follows:
Just wanted to say that I’ve enjoyed working with you all and I hope that we cross paths again.
You never know when you’ll work with someone again, so you may as well end things on a positive note.