Andrew Prescott wasn’t completely surprised that he lost the election – the polls had been close the entire race. What surprised him was by how much he lost the election. It was such a landslide that late night talk show hosts joked that the only reason he received any votes at all was because the electorate legally still weren’t allowed to put Jackie Chan down as a write-in candidate.
Andrew Prescott couldn’t make sense of it. He did everything that winning candidates had done in the past to become President of the United States. He amassed a sizable war chest, sold his soul to the right people, pretended to believe in God, repeatedly told the story of how he worked hard to go from rags to riches, and acted as though he truly cared when he visited with all of those depressing out of work factory people. He was funny when he had to be, serious when he had to be, and said all of things politicians are supposed to say about how a vote for him would be a vote for a new America; one with a better economy, better schools, better protection from terrorists, and everything else that the ninety-nine percent fall for during elections.
Instead of throwing a victory party, though, Prescott and his people were gathered at campaign headquarters trying to figure out what went wrong.
“The other party played dirty,” offered his senior advisor, glossing over the fact that all politicians at that level play dirty.
“The media had it out for you from day one,” guessed his next to the senior, senior advisor.
“Fucking Ohio,” chimed in the advisor who had been promised a cabinet position.
“Maybe next time don’t point your finger at people so much,” said…said…wait, did that come from the coffee guy? The kid that had hoped to make a real difference for his country when he joined the camp freshly after receiving his masters degree from Illinois College back in May, but instead ended up just filling coffee orders for the so-called ‘important people’? Did he just say that? Who was he to say anything; especially since everyone was now drinking straight bourbon instead of coffee?
“I’m sorry, what?” asked a perplexed Prescott.
“Well, you know how you promised throughout the campaign that you’d run an honest one, and that you were someone people could trust, and that the old way of doing politics was over?” replied Coffee Guy.
“Yes,” Andrew Prescott answered.
“The thing is, at the end of every rally you attended, when people were clapping and shouting ‘Prescott! Prescott!’, you would stop and point at some random person in the crowd, as if the two of you were best buddies and you were so glad to see them when in reality, you’d never met this person before. People see through that fake stuff. Pointing at people at political rallies is about as sincere as a woman with a 44DD bra who claims that her breasts are real. Maybe not point the next time. If you decide to run again, that is.”
Andrew Prescott did run again in four years and not only did he make it to the White House, so did Coffee Guy, now known to historians as Vice President Adam Mullens.