Who’s Your Daddy?

If Darnell Davidson were smart he would have hung up the phone the second the lady on the other end of the line identified herself as a producer from the Saul Papovitch Show, but Darnell has never been known for being particularly bright.  What he is known for is being incredibly dim.

He’s the special type of idiot that shows up to work forty-five minutes late the day after having received a letter that emphatically stated he would be fired if he were late one more time.  He’s the kind of moron that can’t understand why the fifteen year old rust bucket he bought for three hundred dollars at a police auction keeps breaking down.  He’s the sort of dumb dumb who says, “Yeah, that’d be cool,” when a producer from the Saul Papovitch Show calls and asks if he’d be willing to take a paternity test for an upcoming segment of Who’s Your Daddy?

“I ain’t nobody’s daddy,” he said to the producer, “but if you wanna give me a free trip to New York City, I’m down with that.”

“We tape in New Jersey,” she clarified.

“Whatever.  Beats the hell out of Alabama.”

Darnell submitted a DNA sample and a few weeks later was flown to New Jersey to face the woman claiming to be his baby momma.  Darnell had no recollection of her when he met her face to face on Sound Stage A.  She looked far classier than the usual bitches and ho’s (his term) he usually hooks up with, but it all came back to him once she started to tell her story to the audience.

Doreen Peters was going through a rough patch when she first met Darnell.  She had just come out of a stifling relationship and had the crazy idea that it might be fun to go through a ‘bad boy’ stage for awhile.  She dyed her naturally blonde hair dark, got a tattoo of a lioness on her shoulder, and went to the sleaziest hook up joint in Birmingham.  That’s where she met Darnell.

In no time, Darnell was living at her place, eating her food, using her car and  borrowing money that he swore he’d pay back but never did.  It did bother her when came home in the middle of the night smelling of cheap perfume, but when he was home the sex was awesome.

Six months into the relationship Doreen discovered that she was pregnant.  Knowing full well that Darnell wouldn’t be there for her or the baby, she tossed him out.  But raising a child on your own is hard, and that’s why five years later, she decided that it was time Darnell faced up to his responsibilities.

“Nice try lady, but I ain’t ever been with no Doreen.  I once had an old lady named Maureen, but no Doreen,” Darnell said.

“You do realize that Maureen rhymes with Doreen?” Saul, the host of the show asked.  “Is it possible that you never got her name right?”

“Oh my God!” Doreen shouted.  “I supported you all those months and you never took the time to properly learn my name?”

“Wait a second,” Darnell said.  “Did you used to be a tubbo?”

“Pardon me?” Doreen replied.

“You know, like, super fat?”

“The term is ‘plus size’, Darnell.  God, you’re an idiot!  Yes, when we were together I was overweight, but as I said, I was going through a rough time then.  I found eating Ho Ho’s very comforting.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Darnell said in return, and the audience all laughed at his crude play on words.

“Are you ready for the results of the paternity test, Darnell?” Saul asked.

“Fire away, bro.”

“You are…the father!” Saul exclaimed.

Darnell sat there stunned, the woman he used to think was called Maureen sat there with an ‘I told you so’ look on her face, while the audience all screamed obscenities at Darnell.

“So what does this mean?  You want money, or something?” Darnell asked Maur…Doreen.

“Actually Darnell, Doreen is willing to make you an offer,” Saul interjected.  “She just wanted to bring you here to face the truth, but if you’re willing to sign away your rights as a father and any future claims against Doreen, she will let you walk away.”

“Sure.  Give me the papers.  I’ll sign them.”  And faster than it took Doreen to down a Ho Ho back in the old days, Darnell signed away his rights.

“One more thing.  Doreen is actually the secret heiress to the Ho Ho company fortune, and your little boy?  He’s a child prodigy who has just been given a full scholarship to the Julliard School of Music.  Sony Music has also signed him to a one million dollar recording contract.”

“That’s right Darnell!” Doreen shouted at him.  “You could have been rich if you had played your cards right and treated me better, but you always were one card short of a deck.”  The audience laughed at that as well, even though it wasn’t as funny as what Darnell had said earlier.

Darnell left New Jersey womanless, childless, penniless, and without so much as a free box of Ho Ho’s.

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