Mark Zuckerberg Tries To Be Brave

It really pisses Mark Zuckerberg off that he wasn’t the guy that came up with Google.  Yes, yes…he’s Mr. Big Shot Facebook Guy, and for most people that would be enough, but not Mark Zuckerberg.  For awhile it was, until those two guys he went to college with claimed to be the real brains behind Facebook.  That called his credibility into question.  If he had been the guy that created both Facebook and Google, well no one would doubt him then, now would they?  Aaron Sorkin might not have had him come across as such an arrogant prick in The Social Network.  Then again, everyone comes across as an arrogant prick in an Aaron Sorkin production, so who’s to say?

Facebook isn’t as cool as it used to be anyway.  Who really cares if that girl from accounting is doing laundry tonight?  Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t.  And would you honestly remember that her birthday is June 3rd if Facebook didn’t send you a reminder?  You’re not real friends, you’re Facebook friends.

Google, though…Google is useful.  It has all those fun apps, it’s own email system, plus you can type anything into its search bar and get an answer.  For example, earlier today Mark typed in ‘Symptoms of an appendicitis attack’.  When he read that a fever, vomiting and severe abdominal pain on the right hand side were all symptoms, he knew that it was time for his wife, Priscilla, to take him to the hospital.

A whole list of questions ran through his head while he sat puking on the front passenger side of his luxury vehicle.  Am I going to die?  Will I have to cancel my meeting with the Pope?  How does one get the smell of puke out of their car?  Why the fuck didn’t I come up with Google?  I could have made five cents off of that little search I did earlier!  More importantly, Mark wanted to know if he’d have to sit in the waiting room with the regular folk.  He wouldn’t say anything, of course, if he had to because then that would make Aaron Sorkin right in having Mark come across as an arrogant prick in The Social Network.  Just the same, he didn’t want to be puking and screaming his lungs out in front of everyone.  It would end up all over Facebook what a big baby he was for carrying on over a little twinge in a non-essential organ, and what an arrogant prick he was for not taking the time to pose for pictures in-between bouts of upchucking his guts.

Jesus, what if he wasn’t even having an appendicitis attack?  What if he was just severely constipated, or something stupid like that?  The hospital custodian would definitely put that on Facebook.  Look everyone!  Mark Zuckerberg’s puke, brought on by a lack of fiber in his diet, would be his status update.

“I never should have invented Facebook!” Mark admonished himself.  “I should have invented Google.  No one knows what that guy looks like.”

But Mark Zuckerberg did invent Facebook, no matter what those guys he went to college with say.  That is why he put on a brave face when he walked through the doors of the emergency room and why he anonymously paid for everyone’s medical treatment that day; because he is Mark Zuckerberg, the inventor of Facebook, and he is not an arrogant prick.  So screw you Aaron Sorkin!


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