Alice was dead serious about starting her diet on Monday. There would be no snacking between meals, no junk food while she watched television, and absolutely no fast food. She was only going to eat three nutritiously prepared and moderately portioned meals a day, and she was going to take the family dog for a walk every night after supper. Granted, she had made these same promises last week, and the week before that, and the week before that, but this time she meant it.
Then Monday came around and with it news that there would be layoffs where she worked. Alice was spared but her best friend at the office was not. Alice couldn’t let her sit at home alone and stew. She had to take her out and help her drown her sorrows. No one has ever drowned their sorrows with a glass of water. That kind of heartache required a few beers and a big plate of nachos to soak up the alcohol.
As with any downsizing, this also meant extra work for those left standing. On Tuesday, Alice needed a chocolate bar from the vending machine to get through the morning, followed by a stop at the nearest donut shop after her bacon cheeseburger lunch combo for an extra large double-double and a Boston Cream to fuel her afternoon.
Wednesday afternoon she received a call from her son’s high school that he had broken his leg during football practice. It was eight o’clock by the time they got home and who feels like cooking at that hour? Pizza, it was.
Thursday, Alice was really feeling the stress of Friday’s deadlines. A bowl of ice cream with sprinkles and chocolate sauce on top helped her burn the midnight oil.
Friday! Lord, have mercy! Alice somehow survived and to celebrate she allowed herself a glass of wine at dinner. Okay, two glasses of wine.
Saturday night, she did what every self-respecting Canadian does. She sat on the couch and watched hockey. You need popcorn to go with that, of course.
Sunday, as was her routine, Alice cooked her family a big roast beef dinner complete with gravy, and for dessert: a chocolate cake. If she had refrained from eating any of it, her family might have thought she was secretly trying to poison them. That is why she had two helpings of everything.
You can see why it’s not Alice’s fault that she weighs one hundred and eighty-three pounds, can’t you? This coming Monday, however, Alice swears she’ll behave herself.